


Confined Mind of a Fool

by orphan_account



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Romance, Roy POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 03:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2372252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy struggles with his feelings in a letter to Riza he will never show her. Sweet Royai. First published at ff.net Dec 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confined Mind of a Fool

10:29pm

Riza,  
It’s nights like these that I can’t help thinking of you. I feel like a fool sitting here, writing letters I’ll never let you see. It’s raining again. Maybe that’s what does it – I feel helpless in the rain, especially when you’re so far away.  
Riza. Why do I call you by your first name in my mind? I repeat it over and over again in my thoughts – it’s so strange and lovely – but when I try to say it out loud the word catches in my throat and sounds forced and unnatural. Maybe I’m not worthy of the privilege of having your beautiful name on my lips. Besides, I shouldn’t get too used to it or it’ll slip out one day in front of you.

10:53pm

I couldn’t face the rejection, you know. And I know I would be rejected. I couldn’t ever imagine myself loving anyone else, but loving you seems beyond the realms of my imagination too. To tell you the truth I really don’t know how I feel. I’ve never been in love before; I’ve never known a person well enough to develop a good relationship. There’re just more important things to do, and work is always... well, you know what work is like better than anyone else. Maybe that’s all this is; maybe I know you and understand you so well and for so long that I’m confusing it with love. But do I really know you that well? I’m not sure of anything, except that if I was going to fall for anyone it would be you, but the thing is that I don’t feel like I’ve fallen, it’s more like I’ve only just realised how deep the roots of our mutual trust go and the thought warms me like nothing else.

Of course, for you that trust is purely on a professional level, right? That’s what I try to tell myself, because if I did fall for you and you didn’t feel the same I don’t know how I would handle it. But then, Riza, there are those moments where I can’t help but feel there’s something more to you. Why do you stay so late in the office with me? Why do you care so much about my goals? Why have I only seen you smile when it’s only me around, and no one else? Hell, why do you even trust me at all? What have I done to be worthy of your trust that no one else has done? Maybe none of this is even true and I’m only seeing what I want to see. Oh, God, the confines of a man’s own mind are more torturous than any of the physical pain I’ve felt in my life.

01:16 am

However we feel, I’m sure we could never be together as more than an officer and subordinate anyway. We’ve been through so much in this way, this is they style in which we developed that bond of trust, and to try to move in now might ruin everything we have. Do you agree? Or is our bond actually far further reaching than that? I don’t know, and I’m afraid to find out. I’m afraid of hurting you, of getting hurt, of pushing you away, of drawing you closer, even of things staying the same. I’m a coward and a fool, and so damn unsure of what I want that I don’t dare to try to change anything.

01:22am

Would I really be content with this for the rest of my life though? I know we’re trying to change this country, to make it a better place, but if I had to choose between that seat at the head of the table or a seat beside you, I think I know which I would chose. I’d be nothing without you, Riza. I’d be nothing. Would I really sacrifice everything we’ve worked for just to have you in my life? When I question myself deep down, I know I would. I know you mean far more to me than just a First Lieutenant.  
Oh, God. Did you realise? It seems so obvious now, but I never admitted it to myself. How could I have only just seen what I’ve known for years? They all know, don’t they? You know too. Ha. I’m such a fool. This feeling in my chest is indescribable: it’s like a weight has been lifted from me only to be replaced with one three times larger, but ten times lighter and twice as consuming. What do I do with it? For now I’ll try to put it aside and hope that another realisation will hit me soon, maybe one about your true feelings...

02:44am

Riza.

03:15am

Sometimes I’m stunned by how beautiful you are. I wonder if you realise how much time I spend looking at you when you’re working. It wouldn’t surprise me – you seem to know everything I do – but I can’t help myself. I find myself watching you more and more. Your elegant fingers run through paperwork, your eyes narrow in a slight frown. You lick your lips, clear your throat, sigh lightly, it all captivates me and it’s at moments like that, when I’m lost in your beauty, that I fear I’ll never find my way out. And maybe I wouldn’t mind that. What was it that I was afraid of again? Maybe I’m so afraid because you’re the only one that holds any power over me, but I feel at peace with that now. I’ve let my guard down. I’ll follow you anywhere you lead me, to hell if you asked me to. I know how I feel now. I love you, Riza. I love you.  
I’ll go to bed now, I’ll get at least a couple of hours sleep before work in the morning, and then I’ll see you. Who knows what I’ll say? Maybe nothing, maybe not, but I’ll see you and then, maybe, I’ll know how you feel too. I’m certain you will see the change in me; nothing gets past you, but how will you react? I haven’t a clue, but getting into a lonely, cold bed never seemed as hopeful as it does tonight.  
Goodnight Riza, my love.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh reading through old writings is hard, but I decided to republish this here because some people seemed to like it. My first ever fanfic. Roy x Riza will always be my OTP <3\. If this even gets seen under the huge pile of Royai (not that I'm complaining) and people like it, I might publish more that I have saved on my computer. CC welcomed. Thanks for reading.


End file.
